For me 2017 was a year of loss. I lost my heart dog, than my mother and then another baby just to close out the year with a heart full of sorrow. Then 2018 was a year of discovery – about myself, the people in my life and all of the things I either really like or really do not. After much thought and soul searching I’ve decided to hang onto the few things I like and get rid of the rest. For me 2019 needs to be about growth and change because in 2020 I’m hoping to make the biggest change of my life. That change is going to require a lot of planning, effort and plain old work. I’m not planning to change one thing; I’m planning on changing everything.
In 2017 when my dog died my emotions went into overdrive. When my Mom passed rage took over and when the baby that should not have happened did I’d really had enough. Through all of it the actions or reactions of those closest to me made me take a step back from my life and access the entire plan. My complete attachment to rage made me access mine. Along with the trifecta of death my professional life took some serious hits. I’d decided to branch out beyond my guaranteed jobs and enter the world of business and more directly build a production company featuring my blog and plans for a Wimmin’s Talk YouTube channel. A number of my “friends” were also dissatisfied with their lives and professed a commitment to the same future I saw. Their commitment lasted as long as lunch and the pile of unrealized plans I have for a charity comic book, a comic-con, the blog and the actual business itself attest to it. Not once amongst all of the ridiculousness in my life did I show up empty handed not once did any of those people show up with any of the work they’d committed to. This didn’t help my rage. So in 2018 at the urging of many of the people who let me down I took it upon myself to find out why I was so angry and to deal with it. After a lot of therapy – both with a professional and as homework with myself I came to realize that my life was completely toxic. Since my brother passed away in 1993 my family had suffered a serious period of pending death and constant sadness. Between 1993 and 2017 I had lost my brother, father, mother, maternal grandparents and one of my very best friends. Not to mention my heart dog and multiple miscarriages. Plus for that entire time I’ve battled my own health issues, still took care of everything and everyone, and at one point supported my husband through a cancer battle that could’ve ended badly in less than 45 days, but thankfully instead left us with a miracle still in play more than 8 years later. I’m strong, but I’m only human. At some point it’s all became too much for even me to cope with.
Unfortunately for me I also collected a number of truly narcissistic people as my close circle; I didn’t see the flaws in their personalities because all of them were just like my parents. It wasn’t until I discovered what I struggled with in my parental relationships (it was the pre 1980’s style of using narcissism rather than love to raise children), that I realized many of the people closest to me were literally my Mother. My Mother made it plain to me my entire life that I owed her. I was born sick and required more care then any child should, I mean I must have because it’s what she impressed upon my siblings and I all of our lives, so I owed her and worse yet I committed the heinous crime of embarrassing her with my obesity so I owed her even more. She regularly told me how comforted she was knowing that I’d never leave her because no one loves a fat person, only their Mother. My Father was the opposite to her but no less broken. He demanded nothing less than perfection from me. He forced me to only see the missing or broken parts of every situation and worse yet always made me feel responsible enough to fix them. From the roots of my parental relationship had grown abusive half circle relationships with every person in my life where I did most of the work and received nothing but abuse and negativity for my efforts. My parents have passed. I’m working on not hating them. The other people have either been blocked from my life permanently or they’ve started to participate in having a different relationship with me.
When my dog died the people that surrounded me cried for themselves. The video of that day plays over and over in my head and I can’t remember ever feeling so alone in a room of people who apparently loved and supported me. When my Mom died I was treated to 5 days of some of the most selfish conversations I’ve ever heard. Tinder dates, dick pics and literal conversations about budding love that 13 year olds should have, not middle aged woman, were forced on me by those closest to me apparently because I’m not emotional and “no one knew what to say”. Clearly it was my entire fault, I left them no incapable of reacting like a compassionate humans. For the record I’ve discovered I have lots of feelings, but narcissistic people wouldn’t be able to see it, their own importance clearly blocking their sight.
Losing another baby in December of 2017 was the last tragedy I could imagine suffering. Six months previous I’d been told by a doctor that I was all of the way through menopause, my ovaries had “dried up and left the building” his exact words, so you can imagine the shock of discovering not only was I pregnant, but once again this little life in my body would be snuffed out without actually having a chance. Even though I was suffering and the doctor recommended bed rest I was forced as always to be the person who does everything. I planned and managed three holiday meals, I did all of the shopping and was even forced to clean the house and move the furniture because my spouse was working and after he heard there was not going to be a baby felt I owed him the extra effort because I was home. I as always took on all of the stress of everything. The only thing I needed was a package of insulin picked up. It was of course Christmas and I’m forced to use the pharmacy where I work and Christmas is busy there. Everyone was too busy. I know because I was treated to many texts and conversations telling me so. Texts that read “I hope you’re ok. You don’t really need anything do you …. I’m just so busy” and conversations like “so you’re not going to work?! You lost a baby don’t you think it’s ridiculous to stay home while the rest of us have to work harder to make up for it”. Just so that everyone knows I work in a building full of people, but I work alone. I’m the only person who does my job. If I’m not there no one works harder because no one does my job; the person who said this to me is always jealous when my illnesses lead to time off. In her sad selfish heart having to work was way harder than suffering loss and I was overreacting because the pregnancy wasn’t planned. She felt I had no right to feel anything and that she was suffering more than I was. So on the day I actually lost the baby I was forced to drive to said store, brave the holiday crowds and get my own insulin. You never know how far a walk is until you’re bleeding a life out of your body as you’re doing it; I’ll die without insulin and since my life is full of the busiest people ever it was up to me to go get it. As always I survived. In truth this was just one more example proving to me that there wasn’t anyone on Earth I actually needed no matter how many of them actually needed me. That endless walk also gave me ample time to think, it was also the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back.
By New Year’s 2018 I had decided everyone in my life would need to celebrate the same sense of independence as I. It wasn’t one relationship, it was every relationship and they all either needed to be better for everyone involved or be done. Some people heard me and our relationships are evolving into something better. Some people will never take responsibility for their ugliness. In fact the ones who let me down and abused me with their insecurities and narcissism the most also took time out of their busy schedules to plan an act of malice against me. Since I know them so well I can imagine the secret conversations and texts all in the name of “back in the day” and the “originals doin it old school”. I can hear the hand clapping and the ignorant comments made about me meant to prove how right they were to be malicious. I can hear the scheme of one becoming the absolute truth of the other. These were wimmin on a mission to show me their great importance. I had seen them scheme and plan this way many times before it wasn’t hard to imagine them doing it to me. These are wimmin who float on a sea of their own nothing basing their greatness on their own assumptions. These were the wimmin that thought “from a marketing perspective” which was really a conversation between the two of them examining their fears and insecurities, that Wimmin’s Talk wouldn’t work and we should consider calling ourselves something with Broads or Dames in the title. These were the wimmin who let me down and tried to make it my fault. I had an out loud moment that helped them prove they were the victims. I’m sure by the looks I get from certain managers at work and the reaction to my last sick leave in the middle of all this garbage that this story has been told at work and not by me. People looking in only need that 25% of the story to judge me wrong. So let me set the record straight I was not off work because I had a temper tantrum. I had actually taken sick time the week before all of this happened with unexplainable pain in my eyes. The day after this incident I went completely blind. After much testing it turns out I get migraines throughout my entire body, the blindness was caused by extreme migraine aura and it took many rounds of prednisone to sort out. See not about the narcissistic monsters at all and all about me and 47 years of health challenges. I’ve had migraines since I was four years old this is just a progression with age and fibromyalgia, not an over dramatic reaction to stimuli. That out loud moment is me letting go. If it’s crazy I’m ok with it. They were the last people like my Mother to let go of, from that moment on my life has felt better.
By the end of 2018 I managed to start a new direction. My anger is so much less. I’ve realized I live in the wrong place. I have the wrong job and for the most part my life was filled with the wrong people. So 2019 needs to be a year where I discover the right place to live. It also needs to be a year where I push myself to achieve. I’m making plans for Wimmin’s Talk, planning to self- publish some short fiction stories and start selling my many collections in an effort to downsize my life and get ready for the next step. This needs to be the first year I celebrate full circle relationships and not allow even one half circle relationship to invade my personal space. I need to focus on my family relationships. My sister has gone through as many life changes as I have. Our parents didn’t raise us to like each other, in fact it was often the opposite and our relationship has suffered because of it. Our relationship is now a choice and keeping it requires effort. Anyone who’s ever been married knows it’s the hardest task on Earth to stay that way; he hasn’t changed but I have. Only time and effort will decide if we are meant to be forever. My true friends that have heard me out and realized my truths have all become closer. Our relationships have changed and I see them as a part of the future.
All of this is so important because in October of this year, after returning from sick leave I committed myself to a 2 year timeline. By October 2020 I need to be headed in a whole new direction; I need to use my gift and write. I need to use my brain and work differently, accommodating my life challenges instead of trying to force them into situations they just do not fit. I need to find a place my heart can call home and I need a life with people who celebrate one another. Some people say life starts at 50, I’m hoping for me it will be 49! Cheers to 2019 and the promise of the future it brings!