I am a Procrastinator

I procrastinate. I don’t mean too, but I cannot tell a lie, if faced with the option of capturing the now by doing something I deem hard, I’ll choose to let the now escape me and let R’on, as in later on, be my friend in the moment.

I always start out each week with big plans. Lists of what to do, what to see and all of the things I could accomplish. The lists take longer than the reality. The reality is I adult 5 days a week, 8 hours longer each day than I actually want to. The other large part of that reality is I have too many chronic health issues to keep listing; but needless to say the list sort of suggests resting in any and all off time. There are days where I can knock off more of my “Adulting at Home” list between 4:45am -5:15am than I can between after work and bedtime. Those after work hours are often spent controlling any aggravating issues that crop up with my health or just honestly sleeping. By about day four each week I try to give myself a longer sleep window to combat exhaustion. Rest, even if I don’t sleep, seems to be the only answer.

I also cannot lie about my weekends. I try not to make plans for my days off. This saves me from having to let people down when I just can’t do anything with my forty-eight hours of freedom. I try to plan it so that if I don’t feel up to it, on those two days I’m free to stay home. If I’m doing something social I plan it for my home or somewhere close to home so I can walk. At home I’m in my element and none of my health issues matter. Anywhere else it’s a dice roll. From the fact that I never take meds and drive to my food sensitivities or night blindness, at home I’m not locked in by my parameters anywhere else not only am I controlled by them so is everyone I’m with.

Whenever possible I make daytime plans. My evening ends before most people even leave their house. My insulin schedule starts every morning at a time that used to be when I was coming home as opposed to when I now get up. I’m a slave to my health, I try my best to maintain my work schedule and keep up on the basics of life. Almost anything else is off the table. Sometimes my week is a success, yet with increasing regularity it’s a total fail.

Lately I’ve been forcing myself to deal with all of the adulting, as quickly as possible. After many, many, many interruptions I’ve started blogging. I’ve started looking at other writing opportunities and looking for ways to simplify my life. I’ve realized that my physical self will always fail me. Each time I win a battle there’s a new one to fight. I’m tired of fighting. I need to give myself a break. My future needs to be about using my mental self and not my physical self to earn a living.

I procrastinate yet I accomplish more in a day than many people do in a week. I procrastinate because I set my personal bar too high. My daily “to do list” is unrealistic. It’s often geared around the many things I do for other people and rarely around the things I need to do for me. I procrastinate because my life gives me no option; I like to think I’ll get around to a task eventually instead of admitting it’s a task my current life will not allow me to do.

Sometimes I procrastinate because it feels so good to do nothing. To not be stressed. To not be rushing. To buck the plan and just not care about the mountain of adulting that will always be waiting. My total life focus right now is building a different future. A fuller, happier, well-rounded one full of possibilities and happiness. I’m hoping to work different, live more and feel the need to procrastinate less. In the famous words of Wayne from Letterkenny and his friend Confucius “Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” Words I’m using to reshape my life.